Brutally rejected after blunt sex question
One Bachelor In Paradise contestant is sexually rejected on national television, the incident being the most humiliating thing endured on the island - only just scraping ahead of the moment a cast mate is mistaken for a 55-year-old on Sunday night.
Would you rather be sexually rejected on national television or have hot twenty-somethings mistake you for a retiree? I'd rather eat week-old supermarket sushi out of Osher's bin.
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Producers are really scrambling and just keep adding new people into the mix. Enter Keira. Keira is a true all-star and, while we haven't seen her for a while, she busts back onto the scene and picks up where she left off.
"I get disappointed easily so I hope there's a helicopter and champagne and I'm not getting into any swimming pools," she declares.
Meanwhile, Jamie is still confused about who he should cling to. He's stringing Brittney along while inventing new relationships in his head.
"Helena, she just gets everything I tell her. And … and Helena, like, she just gets … she gets all my humour," he shares with Timm, who has the enviable privilege of sleeping in a twin-share bure with Jamie. "Because she's so intelligent. I said to Helena yesterday, I said - oh, she's so funny. I said, 'Ahh, you're so cool'. Renee's so calm as well. I really need that person, just that calm person. Nice and calm. She could dissolve all my craziness."
Timm's totally supportive.
"Mate you're 40, take what you can get," he mutters.
As soon as Jamie finds out Keira has arrived, he decides he's gonna take a crack at that as well -because Keira is just the epitome of nice and calm.
"I'm gonna have a drink with Keira tonight. And then, if she's horrible, I'll run back over to (Brittney)," Jamie says, pointing to Brittney who is right next to him.
It's 10am and everyone's gathered around the frozen daiquiri machine when Jamie says this. Brittney looks like she has just been punched in the gut. No one knows how to react.
"I don't know what goes on in that brain and I don't think even he does after 55 years," the new guy sighs and the only takeaway from tonight is Jamie's twenty-something co-stars legitimately think he's 55 and retired.
To be honest, Jamie probably would hit it off with Keira. He seems very similar to Jarrod, who shared a confusing yet healthy-ish relationship with Keira. Gosh, we haven't thought of Jarrod in a while. Remember when everyone pissed on his pot plant?
Someone who's not looking forward to Keira's arrival is Alisha.
"We've had a few run-ins on Instagram," she grimaces.
Being blasted on the 'Gram is terrifying enough. But to experience in person Keira's withering, half-thought insults that don't always quite make sense? Truly nerve-racking.
Of course their Insta-feud is brought up at the Bula Banquet and Keira goes full-blown Mariah Carey.
"I don't even know her," she dismisses Alisha. "I've never met her."
Then it descends into a really highbrow discussion about who said what about whom on a series of now-expired Insta Stories. Brittney jumps in on the argument to say Keira also dissed her on an Insta Story.
Keira flutters her eyelids. "All I said was this chick's full on. You are full on."
No one argues.
While we'd love to debate further the ins and outs of Keira's expired Insta Stories, we do need to check on the show's pensioner.
"I know me and Brit are gonna be friends for the next 30, 40 years," Jamie gushes when more people beg him not to string her along any further. Already pushing 55, Jamie's being quite optimistic with his time frame for that friendship.
"I couldn't imagine you not being here. But it's like with Timm - I couldn't imagine Timm not being here," he adds.
Timm bashes his head on the dining table as Brittney scrunches up her face.
"Well you're not gonna sleep with Timm, are you?" she asks before dropping a blunt question that requires a simple answer. "Would you sleep with me?"
The colour drains from Jamie's face and he stares ahead. As a 55-year-old, he's not comfortable with such blatant sexual discussion in public.
"I don't know … I don't know," he bides his time.
"Like … so you would, like, not have sex with me?" Brittney asks again.
"It's such a massive question just to be put on me like that," Jamie meanders. "I just really like you around, I really like your company … I'm so confused. Ciarran and Timm think I'm crazy."
Britney's had it. And then LITney comes out to play.
"I think it's crazy that you wouldn't just have sex," she blurts. "Like, what is that? That's upsetting."
Everyone stares at the ground and the waitstaff at the Bula Banquet can't believe this is their life right now.
"For someone to say they don't wanna have sex with you is pretty upsetting. And I'm good at it!" LITney declares. "Seriously though, I'm not even lying!"
LITney, none of us doubt you. If anyone knows how to do the sex, it's LITney.
Last time we saw LITney, she was battling a bout of gastro. The bug has spread around the island and now Jess is living in the bathroom - leaving Ciarran, her obsession for six days, to flirt with Keira before falling asleep in the single bed of his ex-girlfriend and recent enemy Renee.
"Nothing happened at all," Renee tells us. "Didn't kiss. He cuddled me throughout the night but that's as far as it went. Then I asked the question, 'Can you see yourself with Jess?'. And he was like, 'She's never gonna be you. She's never gonna be you'."
It's a totally smug backdoor brag but you've got to take those opportunities when they present themselves.
Everyone saw Ciarran doing the walk of shame out of Renee's twin-share bure and it's only a matter of time until Jess finds out.
She's going to be gutted. But, there's always a silver lining. At least she hasn't been sexually rejected on national television. And at least no one thinks she's 55.
Originally published as Brutally rejected after blunt sex question