'SCRATCHED MY FACE': MAFS wife drops C-bomb after rejection
One Married At First Sight wife has accused her husband of having "a bigger vagina than a woman" before getting drunk and aggressively trying to hook-up with him, only to be rejected and mocked before lashing out and blasting the c-bomb at a stranger.
"She scratched my face!" the man screams after breaking out of his wife's grip and running into the dining room for help.
We're one week in and everything is going according to schedule. It's the first dinner party of the year so obviously, while I write this, I'm drinking the finest $12 sav blanc I can find. If you want to think like 'em, you gotta drink like 'em.
These dinner parties get messy and tonight is no exception. The joint is dripping in the kind of sexual tension you'd usually only experience at the lone nightclub in a regional town.
Needless to say, one brazen wife starts trying to seduce all the other wives while one husband tries to mansplain lesbianism to a real lesbian. It's a real gas.
Hayley and David haven't seen each other since she dissed his salary and he accused the former addict of being addicted to cigarettes. We barge into her bedroom to make sure she's nearly ready for the party, but she's posing on the bed in her negligee.
"I'm a thousand different women wrapped into one," she explains out of nowhere. "I'm laid-back, I'm Shazza from the 'burbs in me moccasins and flannelette singlet. When I look good, I look good, yeah? I'm a catch, I know I'm a catch, yeah? Lemme show you I'm a catch."
"Your right areola's almost slipping outta ya flannelette singlet," we sigh to Shazza.
"I could be having so much fun with the gewls I could just sit there and get smashed with 'em all night and just bitch about our husbands and the journey thus far," she continues. "But if he's gonna bring it up and make a shit-show, I'm so ready for it. It's gonna go off like a rabbit in a sock."
We have never been more confused by Hayley than we are now, thus far.
In the car on the way there, it becomes clear we're still talking with Shazza.
"I have never had so many issues with someone in all my life. I've never dealt with a man who - I'm just gonna say it - has a bigger vagina than a woman," she blurts.
All the Suzuki Vitara sponsorship cars are beginning to roll up at the warehouse and couples are filing in. Poppy immediately tries to position herself as the Samantha of the group.
"So I wonder who's banged," she asks with an arched eyebrow.
When David shows up alone without his wedding ring on, he politely declines to go into any details about his marriage out of respect for Hayley. But when Hayley bowls in, she gathers the girls and holds court while explaining her big vagina theory. Then when the ladies quietly tell her Dave hasn't said anything negative about her, the guilt sets in. And soon that guilt turns to horniness. Guilty horniness. That simmer will come to a boil very soon.
Meanwhile, Dave let's slip to that elderly male contestant who lied about how much his pants cost that Hayley dissed his salary and, honestly, that yarn is starting to become as boring and repetitive as Heidi's government housing story from last year.
Oh, and then everyone gets drunk and tells the elderly contestant that he looks like John Aiken - only, they think his surname is pronounced "Atkins", like the diet. John's obviously humiliated.
Amanda is still annoyed that Tash isn't into her and it's only made worse when Tash brazenly tries to seduce all the straight women in the room.
"Baaaaaaabe!" Tash croaks while slinking her body over everyone and downing gulps of wine.
"You're authentic, you know? You're authentic," she purrs to Natasha while pushing her hair back and staring deep into her eyes.
This obviously leads to Tash performing a lap dance on Hayley. There's really no further context to this.
"It's very confronting," the judges squirm.
Luke leans over to Amanda and offers a word of advice about wives.
"If it was my partner, I couldn't deal with that," he whispers.
"But they're not gay. If they were gay it'd be different," Amanda lies to herself before Luke goes and drops a gay bombshell.
"Yeah, but every woman seems to be … somewhat gay," he observes.
Mhhmm. Mhhhmmm. Of course. That scientific fact is from the same text book these experts studied. This moment will go down in MAFS history - right up there with Tracey being blime-fibe-eb and Jessika offering to draw a sketch of her diaphragm. Wednesday the 12th of February 2020 will forever be known as the day Luke mansplained lesbianism to a real lesbian.
Speaking of science, Connie is explaining NASA to Tash - who strongly rejects the moon landing happened.
Obviously this is an appropriate time for Hayley to coax her estranged husband David into a private room under the guise of having a serious conversation. Then, she pounces.
"Not tonight, not tonight," he begs while trying to pull his body away.
She grabs him by the face and pulls him back down to hook up and, after a lengthy struggle, he finally manages to thrash her off.
David runs back to the table gasping for air.
"Can you see the scratch on my face? She was pulling at my face trying to make out with me," he cries.
But the harrowing tale receives zero shock.
"I'm bloated," Aleks burps.
Down the other end of the table, word has filtered around about Hayley's rejected sexual advances.
"So, you've been having some f**king drama, hey? You're the talk of the town," Ivan sneers at her in front of the group, mocking and trolling her.
"You're like a little weasel," she death-stares him while showing a lot of restraint with her words - I mean, she could've speculated he too has a "bigger vagina than a woman". But the restraint is short-lived.
She picks up her napkin and throws it in his face.
"You're a c**t," she spits.
"Why am I a c**t? Why am I a c**t" he probes.
"Because you're a c**t. F**k off," she declares.
Hope you ducked them cantaloupes, friends.
Remember last season - almost exactly one year agao to the day - when the C-bomb was a huge issue? Yeah, now it's just skimmed over.
We cut to Mel Schilling in the basement and a look of terror washes over her face, so frightened she is about being dragged into another C-word scandal.
One thing's for sure: Shazza and her moccasins shoulda stayed in the 'burbs tonight.
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