Fine whine and another online dating disaster
I'VE done it! I've become an Aussie. Well not officially, but as good as, I reckon.
Forget making ceremonial pledges and learning the national anthem, I propose a new citizenship test.
It is based purely upon one's reaction to an "outsider" bagging out Australia.
The idea came as I chatted to an online dating match. I use the word match in its loosest possible sense since it turned out the only thing we had in common was that we were both born in the UK.
As he dripped and moaned about Queensland drivers, and the cost of this and the cost of that, I was reminded of the joke about how you know a plane full of Poms has landed because the whining continues long after the engines have stopped.
The fact that he had secured himself a spot in absolute paradise had completely passed him by and irony abounded as he attributed his departure from our homeland to the influx of "bloody immigrants" not respecting his country.
My hackles rising, it was then it dawned on me how Aussie I'd become.
I wear thongs (not flip flops) all year round, I'd sooner watch rugby league than soccer (not football), and my best mate is a blue heeler.
I have indeed been given a "fair go" by a society that doesn't care where I was born or who I was born to. And I think that having a couch in your backyard is a super idea.
It's just my accent that's the dead giveaway. English holidaymakers can hear it a mile off and before I know it they've latched on in the belief they've found a kindred spirit.
"How many years have you been out here?" they ask. I honestly don't know. Why count? I'm not here at her Majesty's pleasure.
"Did you marry an Aussie?" Don't get me started on that…
As I ranted to my mates about my online dating dud and his seemingly endless list of complaints regarding Australia, I have to admit the words "if you don't like it, leave" slipped out - to be met by high fives, cheers and "bloody oaths" all round.
And there it was. While Mr Right may elude me, one thing's for sure - me and Australia, we're a perfect match.
* Sex and the Sunshine State is an occasional column on the joys of being single and dating Queensland