He says/ she says opinion piece on how to ruin relationships
He says/ she says opinion piece on how to ruin relationships Mike Knott

10 ways to ruin a relationship - he says, she says

WE have decided to give you a He says/She says top 10 tips on relationships and how to get out of them.

Giving relationship advice can be like trying to fill a hole in one's head.

Most of the time, people don't listen.

Other times they say 'why didn't you tell me that before?'

Most of us know about "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" and the movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days", but do they really provide substantial advice?


She says:

  1. Blokes - wear King Gee shorts, thongs and singlets everywhere - and I mean everywhere. There's nothing more unattractive than shorts that are obviously too tight or too short on a man. Singlets were meant to be worn underneath shirts, not on their own to the pub. And thongs are great for around the house or the beach, but they too do not belong on feet when going to the pub.
  2. Don't do any cleaning of anything. This can be from the flat you share, to your car or their car, the yard, the dog, the cat, your body. Dirty living environments , pets and partners will turn anyone off.
  3. Forget everything you know about manners and respect. There's nothing worse than being around someone who rude, inconsiderate, self-centred and demanding. And even worse when you have to put up with it all the time in your home environment.
  4. Be extremely forgetful. Forget to feed the animals. Forget to pay the bills on time. Forget any arrangements such as meeting your partner's friends or parents for a social engagement. Forget your partner only likes tea or coffee.
  5. Spend all of your partner's money on alcohol and other luxury items while putting yours in a savings account. While the old fashioned society would find this highly acceptable, many people today will get pissed off at this as money is being pissed up a wall from one income and saved from another.
  6. Constantly ring or text your partner. It can be about real life dilemmas or random stuff like "what are we going to have for dinner" or "I just heard the funniest thing" or simply "I love you". Um hello? I'm at work. Do Not Disturb. I'm too busy to focus on you and work all day long. Or even stalk them on facebook and comment on everything they post on facebook within seconds of them posting it.
  7. Organise to have coffee with a friend of the opposite sex, at an unknown location at 10pm at night. It doesn't matter how well you know this person, your partner will be kicking your butt out the door very quickly over this.
  8. Have all your friends come over and insist your partner be part of the fun, but when they have their friends over, sit in front of the TV drinking beer and eating pizza in your trackies.
  9. Go to your parents for relationship advice, and make it well known to your partner that you do. There's nothing more annoying than a partner who goes to their parents for advice over every little thing in their lives, including their love...
  10. Even better - get your parents to move in with you, or have you and your partner move in with your parents while 'saving for that house' .... and still have your parents involved with every decision making aspect of your life. Surely by the time you are 20/21 you can make up your own mind about most things in life, including your love life matters.

He says

It's rare that I see relationship advice that doesn't trigger my gag reflex.

I have a wonderful marriage that has survived some championship-level stupidity on my behalf.

Unfortunately, boiling the tools required to keep a marriage going down to a top-ten is like trying to read Twilight by having it punched into your face in morse code.

Much easier than that, we would all agree, is a top ten on how to destroy a relationship.

Here are ten of the best ways I've ruined a perfectly functional relationship.

  1. Drink often enough that it's considered a part of your personality. Your mates will know that you can be relied on for a session and will come around more often to 'share' your beer during dinner. You can also impress your kids by failing a breath test on the school run. You know you're almost successful when you're cracking onto your partner's parents.
  2. Soap is optional when showering.
  3. Make sure you're always the victim. If they call you for being insulting or insensitive, you have only seconds to find a reason why it's their fault. Make sure that by the end of the resulting screaming match, they're apologising to you. This not only protects you from blame, it also means you'll never have to work to improve yourself as a human.
  4. Support the Cronulla Sharks.
  5. Clean everything, all the time. Point out that you cleaned everything. Do not stop reminding your partner that you cleaned it, and that they did not. If they clean something while you're not looking, point out how they have in fact ruined it. It's important to note that they failed to clean it properly because they are a bad person.
  6. Begin every sentence with "I'm not sure what you're trying to say, but … "
  7. When your partner confides about their friends in private, be sure to 'accidentally' bring it up in conversation next time you meet them in public. Alienate your partner's social group at every opportunity. Combining this with technique #1 gains bonus points.
  8. Scream someone else's name during sex.
  9. Talk about your bodily functions all the time. If your partner can't draw blueprints of your intestines from memory then you aren't trying hard enough. Practice your NRL commentating skills from the bathroom. You know you're almost successful when you've combined this with technique #1 and are cracking onto your partner's parents. 
  10. Scream Paul Keating's name during sex.