‘Packed like a sardine in a floating gastro bowl’
ISN'T the cruise ship industry copping a battering lately? Personally, I can't think of many things worse than going on a cruise.
Packed like a sardine in a floating gastro bowl, just waiting with trepidation for the moment you can no longer trust a fart. What a nightmare.
Coupled with recent revelations that some of these floating germ boxes also moonlight as fight clubs on the high seas, it sounds like the last thing I'd want to be doing, especially with a young family.
Don't get me wrong, the gambling, drinking, swimming and island hopping sounds like a real treat.
But I can do most of that in Airlie Beach and still find a quiet place when it gets too hot in the kitchen.
From some of the posts I've seen, cruise ship clientele look like a weird mix of Summernats fans and people in aged care.
It's a strange hybrid which, when you consider the above, probably isn't a great mix.
As an elderly person, gastro is about as welcome as Donald Trump anywhere.
And I imagine getting into a fight would be less than ideal for anyone over the age of 65.
Sure, you can whip the false teeth out and throw down, but unless your ageing like Greg Norman, chances are the body isn't up to the rigours of going toe-to-toe with an Ipswich family full of bourbon and anger.
More power to you if you are.
Perhaps there needs to be more stringent vetting processes to get on board these cruise ships though?
Maybe a trial process at the dock.
If you pass the personality/IQ test you're allowed on, otherwise it's the plank you walk, straight into the drink instead of the main bar.
No refunds. No mercy.
It'd make for some pretty intense pre-cruise fights I imagine, but surely these scuffles are better off on dry land than a floating circus?
Or go the other way, and become fully ageist.
No youths under the age of 12, no one over the age of 45 allowed on board.
No rules of engagement, all fighting methods and styles welcome and the next four nights aboard the exotically-named marvel of engineering are all-out cage fighting warfare.
Imagine the match-ups.
Stephen, 23, from Bundaberg. Fuming as he just lost a day's worth of drinking money on the roulette table, up against Jack, 37, from Roma, who is nearly fully-recovered from the diarrhoea which floored him for the first day-and-a-half of the cruise, but is suffering a mild sunburn.
Fighting for honour and unfettered access to the buffet for the next 45 minutes, the tension would be palpable in the room.
Is this the future of mixed martial arts and budget holiday making?
Hell in a cell on the lower deck. We could take a thriller back to Manila.
But all bets are off when the gastro hits. Anyone who throws down instead of up is evicted.
Scott Sawyer is a journalist with the Sunshine Coast Daily.