I am woman, hear me whimper ... DIY is not in my DNA
UPON the demise of my last relationship I was comforted by friends who assured me I needed to experience a lengthy spell of singledom in order to grow.
The past two years have indeed been a learning curve.
I have escorted three huntsman spiders and a praying mantis off my premises.
I have investigated night time noises armed with a torch and a hammer.
I have fixed lights and leaks and lawnmowers, lugged furniture and built furniture.
I have felt liberated and empowered by my new-found survival skills.
Oh yes I've grown all right. But carry on like this and I'll be growing a beard next.
I've decided Katy Perry and co can roar all they like - I'm tired of all this independent woman nonsense.
In fact, I'm just tired.
I can't shake this niggling feeling there's a simpering fifties housewife inside me just dying to get out and bake cakes.
She wants a big strong hero to scoop her up and utter the words: "Come with me if you want to live."
So where are all the old-school heroes?
Of all the men who have professed to me that "mowing is a man's job" not one has felt quite strongly enough about the matter to do it for me.
Not that I can blame them. One look at me - all gumboots and grubby nails - and they must feel surplus to requirements.
I recently tried the online equivalent of fluttering my eyelashes and dropped a hint to my male Facebook friends that I was struggling to fit new struts to my car boot.
One offered me a cricket bat as an alternative way of keeping it open.
Some confessed they knew nothing about cars and seemed surprised I was even having a go. Fair enough. Others simply "liked" my predicament.
With a bit of Google advice and a whole lot of cursing I eventually - eventually - fixed it myself.
And while it's great to know I can do these things, the truth is, I just don't want to.
I want to get excited about new shoes, not power tools.
I want to quit the personal growth and grow my nails instead.
It's tough to admit to this deeply unfashionable sentiment, and it's going to take some time to process.
Not to worry. I'll have plenty of time to get my head around it while I wait for my hero to burst onto the scene.I'll be tinkering in my shed should anyone need me.