Groom rejected by ‘p*ssed’ bride
IN A brutal moment of panic and repulsion, one Married At First Sight bride has publicly rejected her sweet new husband by physically recoiling and refusing to kiss him before b*tching about him throughout the entire reception.
"Horrendous," she spat after the ceremony.
"I was sick of him at the altar," she later snipped to friends in a dark corner as her groom diligently walked around and greeted all her guests.
But before we rip into meeting our two new couples on Wednesday's episode, we check in on Sean's welfare following his near death experience marrying Jo last night.
Our first couple for this evening is Ryan and Davina.
Davina does a lot, but also not much at all.
"I have a clothing line, an events business, a personal training studio, over 200,000 followers on Instagram and obviously I have boobs and obviously I have lips and hair extensions," she says with upward inflections at the end of each word. Unless you also have lips and hair you probably can't relate.
Now, I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the first time in Married At First Sight history I actually have a bit of a crush on one of the grooms.
Ryan's a 29-year-old tradie from Maroubra and says things like "nothing's wrong with a bit of healthy chub" and "no one's ever ugly, they're just not for you". He makes me feel butterflies in my stomach and I'm pretty sure it's not just the day-old chocolate croissant I ate this afternoon. I'm telling you, I'd get a neck tattoo and move to Maroubra in a heartbeat.
Our second couple for the evening is Patrick and Charlene. Patrick's boring and Charlene just wants attention. But right when I'm about to make the executive decision to exclude this couple from the recap completely, we meet Patrick's mum Ruby. Ruby calls the shots and is rude to everyone she meets. Ruby is more than welcome in this recap and we'll be hearing from her in a moment.
In northern New South Wales - which is now the preferred way of referring to Byron Bay after it became overexposed by Hemsworths and Sydney mums - Davina ensures her wedding ceremony looks like a really long Angus and Julia Stone video clip.
Mismatched Persian rugs form a trail down the grass of a deserted field and lead to a giant macramé banner dangling from a piece of salvaged driftwood that's suspended between two palm trees.
She arrives in a vintage '70s Mercedes limo because a vintage VW Kombi would just be too much of a cliche.
Ryan's nervous. And Davina's not impressed.
"He's quite handsome, he's tall, he's got a great build. And then he opened his mouth. And I was like, UGH!" she tells us, making the same grossed-out face I make when I'm out in public and accidentally put my hand in something wet.
Pronounced husband and wife, Ryan leans in to kiss his bride and Davina is so appalled she acts like someone just maliciously deleted all the photos on her Instagram account.
She physically recoils, bending her body back and raising her hands to barricade her face and full-on reject Ryan.
"The kiss was horrendous," she sulks to us, even though she's the one who added the element of horror to it. "So far, from only knowing Ryan for, like, a second, he's probably going to annoy me."
Down in Melbourne, we're meant to be at Charlene and Patrick's wedding day but it seems we're actually just at an event organised for Charlene to perform the various facial expressions she's been practising in front of a gathered crowd.
Charlene's nice, but I can't help feel every time she opens her mouth she's auditioning for a regional breakfast radio gig. It's exhausting. And the only respite comes from Patrick's mum Ruby.
"This is stupid," Ruby says, rolling her eyes.
Ruby is a total baller and has become my new life mentor.
When Charlene reads the vows she's written - which rhyme - it pushes Ruby over the edge.
"I want to neck myself," Ruby croaks the moment Charlene rhymes the words "situation" and "flirtation".
Ruby's surly outlook continues throughout the reception.
"Have you met the bride?" someone inquires.
"Nup," Ruby snips.
It becomes clear very quickly Channel 9 missed a massive opportunity by not slotting Ruby in as Karl Stefanovic's co-host of Today when Lisa piked. Now they're stuck with that hack Gardner.
Honestly, Ruby makes me want to have children just so I can wield this kind of matriarchal control at their weddings.
"I think I can turn it around and say, 'Patrick, you choose: it's her or me'," she tells us. "And I'm pretty sure Patrick will choose me."
By the end of the evening, Ruby refuses to even look at her new daughter-in-law and spends the rest of the night with her hands covering her face.
Up in northern New South Wales at the General Pants stocktake sale, Ryan and Davina arrive at a tent in another field for their reception. There's even more dried flowers and layered Persian rugs and macramé wall hangings.
"Do you like him," one of Davina's bridesmaids ask, right in front of Ryan.
"I can't answer that here," Davina replies with an eye roll.
While Ryan does the rounds, being gracious with the other guests and telling them how lovely his new wife and her friends are, Davina sulks with her mates in front of another giant macramé banner.
"He's just not my kind of guy. At all," she huffs while fiddling with the thin leather straps of a massive dream catcher that's hanging nearby.
"OK, so, funny story, I was sick of him at the altar. I was like, 'I'm over this, you annoy me already'. I don't know if it's nerves or if he's just annoying."
While Davina continues to bitch about her new husband, he's carefully and gently introducing himself to her parents, even though she hasn't bothered to go meet his.
Like me, Davina's parents love him so much they also consider getting Bra Boy tattoos.
As the night wears on and the macramé banners begin to sag, Davina realises there's a slight chance she might not just be a personal training, event planning, bikini model with lips and hair. She might also be a total brat.
"I was so pissed at the start," she tells Ryan while sitting on a vintage velvet couch positioned awkwardly in a garden.
They cut the cake which is made out of macramé and do the bridal waltz to The Macramena.
Will Davina stick around? Macramaybe.
For more observations on having lips and hair, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir