‘Psycho’: Bach cheater’s infuriating demand
Bachelor In Paradise's bed hopping backpacker is called out on Tuesday night when he makes an infuriating demand of the ex he cheated on - the move more perplexing than his yen for yellow speedos and silk kimonos.
Some new guy called Matt arrives and Renee is really into him but he's also kinda mates with Ciarran - her ex who cheated. Matt instantly whisks away Renee on a date, and Ciarran suddenly becomes the moral compass of the group.
"If he's got any sense of bro code - and he wants to be my mate - he should've pulled me away for a chat. Before Paradise, he was messaging Renee and calling her. Don't try hide it from me and be a snake - not cool," he slams.
Mmmhmmm. Mmhhmmm. So you and Renee were still together when he was hitting on her?
"No we were broken up," he says.
Mmhmmm. Mhhhhm. And you broke up becaaaaause ….
"They broke up because Ciarran cheated," Mary fills in the blanks. "And he jumped from Renee to her friend Jess."
OK, so just to get things straight: Renee's kinda doing to Ciarran what he did to her - only she didn't cheat on him and they've been broken up for months and the guy she wants to date has only known Ciarran for, like, six weeks. But to Ciarran this is completely unacceptable and Renee and Matt should know better.
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"When it comes to me, he's a f**king psycho," Renee sighs.
Ciarran's a walking contradiction. For weeks, everyone thought his behaviour was charming. But now, there are some cracks and they're impossible to overlook … much like his yellow speedos and silk kimonos.
"Ciarran has made it very clear to everyone on Paradise that he does not want anyone touching what he has previously touched," Alisha explains to us. As a side note, she really takes the reins as the chief commentator tonight and she's loving every second of it.
"I mean, Ciarran's moved on through half of Paradise. I don't like his behaviour, I think it's toxic."
We all feel sorry for Renee. She has been heartbroken and angry ever since Ciarran cheated on her. A beautiful date with a caring man is exactly what she deserves. So when she heads off with Matt, producers ensure she's treated to the complete opposite. Renee, your clown bicycle awaits!
Meanwhile, Jamie keeps giving Brittney friendship roses but he makes it clear there are absolutely no feelings.
"I know that Brittney does have feelings for me but I have explained to her it's purely friendship based … I'm not going to manipulate her to receive a rose," he assures us.
But then Jackson, better known as the Pie King, arrives on the island and the very sight of him lures LITney out to play. And you better believe she wants a bite of his dirty street pie.
Cut to Jamie, freaking out and manipulating Brittney for a rose. He knows he's going to be booted off the island if she gives her rose to Jackson. His only idea is to get Jackson interested in Cass - but there's a flaw in the plan.
"No offence to Cass but … she's 34," Alisha eye rolls, almost vomiting in her mouth at the idea of ever reaching that dusty age.
The Bula Banquet is a total fizzer. The frozen daiquiri machine must be broken because no one is anywhere near as drunk as they should be.
Jamie keeps trying to make it seem like he and Brittney are together so Jackson will back off - and it's up to Alisha to pipe up again with vibrant commentary. She proposes Jamie help Brittney get a date with Jackson.
"No, I'm not gonna say that," he says, death staring everyone for ganging up on him.
"Why would I help a spark between Brittney and Jackson when I wanna stay in Paradise. I need Brittney's rose. I know you think I just cock-blocked Brittney …"
"It's actually not about cock-blocking …" Alisha interrupts.
And while the riveting argument about cock-blocking continues, Jackson takes Brittney away for a chat.
Cass, 34, is left alone to watch from afar.
"How do I get dicked?" she mutters to herself.
Another day, another imagined romance in Jamie's head. Who has he invented a relationship with today? Oh, just Megan Marx, who's not even on the island.
"I really wanna see Megan Marx," he gushes to the boys as they giggle at him.
"What's wrong with that? I would like to see if there is chemistry between me and Megan. Before I came into Paradise, I met Megan … just once. And we hit it off and we exchanged numbers and now she is moving to my hometown. I was out with her two nights before I came here, man."
How Jamie actually attained Megan's contact details and information regarding her physical whereabouts is murky. Authorities immediately start combing his bure for stolen locks of Ms Marx's hair.
We cross now to our chief commentator on the ground in Fiji to see what the reaction's like over there. Alisha?
"Megan Marx brushed him on the arm at an event, like, a week before he came into Paradise," she laughs.
Thanks Alisha, we'll check in again shortly.
We're already running out of bures on this island but producers just keep sending in more rejects. Some guy called Scott comes bounding through the resort.
"I saw the eyebrows and knew ... that's Scott," Mary sighs, acknowledging what we cannot. At least he's not 34.
Before anyone can whip out a Nair strip, Jackson steals Cass away for a date. What? But she's 34! That's, like, the same age as that old lady in Titanic.
Niranga gets super jealous because he really likes Cass, despite her decrepit age. He gets a date card and declares he will take Brittney.
Brittney is emotionally exhausted by now. She just wants to kick back in Jackson's pie van and eat some day-old pastry but everyone's ruining her chances. First Jamie, now Niranga. The battle between Brittney and LITney creates a storm.
"I don't know why he would do that when he knows we're just friends and I have a potential spark with Jackson," she begins to hyperventilate. "I don't even want to go on the date. I don't know why I'm put in this situation of going on a date with someone I don't like. I don't wanna go on this date! I don't! I don't wanna go on this date!"
It all becomes too much and she runs away just as the tears begin to fall.
"Why would I wanna go on a date when I don't like someone?"
No, she absolutely should not be forced to go on a date if she doesn't want to. Her pain is truly distressing to witness. But you know what else is distressing? Waking up one day and realising you're 34.
Originally published as 'Psycho': Bach cheater's infuriating demand